Bits and patches

My life is in bits and patches henceforth my blog is also not in a sequence I hope I find time to rearrange these bits and patches and make it look meaningful to everyone around me. Its like arranging the puzzle piece by piece slowly till it takes some shape and form and to bring back the meaning in it. Its vacation which I am suppose to be happy and enjoy( Diwali). The aura in the house doesn't seem to be in the favour of happiness and celebration of festivity. Something is wrong with me or some thing is wrong with him God knows or may be these are the struggles we are making to end the relationship which is very prominently visible to us and to my kids( Shubham and Anand).
I really don't know what to say, but there are so many things to say God alone knows how I will find words rather right kind of words to express my true feeling. I want to be sincere about it or I may be biased as I think from my point of view and stick to it and I blind fold myself when I have to see other person's point of view. I have never nurtured good qualities in me or people around me failed to do so. It is affecting my life now as I come across people see them being appreciated for their good qualities and their talents. I feel very envious. I don't have these so called highly wanted and appreciated qualities. I just wanted to live with my disease and want it to take me to my grave.
All my senses tell me I am not in my right form or my right kind of birth. I should have been born as a dog or some other insignificant animal with less or a minimum life span.\I can't understand what is going to become of me in another 5 years time. I am still clinging on to his flesh like a leech sucking his RBC. This is what he says everyday. There is no such thing called AIM in life or ambition in life. If God offers me a boon and asks me what I want my immediate reply would be to end my life. There is no positivism in life for me. I just pass my time. A new day begins and ends and another one starts with out creating any great impact in my life. Time passes away as if I am holding to a handful of sand which slips away or escapes away from my hand and hardly I am aware of it.
I live in my fantasy world. A world which I have created and I am the soul ruler of it. I control it and I am equivalent to God as I create the characters and they play the role as I want them to play. Every day there is something new interesting, exciting and something to look forward to. Is this a part of my disease I can't understand. I am a mental patient. Suffering from Bipolar affective disorder for the past 7 years. I am on treatment. I am neither happy myself nor I give happiness to people around me. I can't understand why????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Each time I go to the doctor(NIMHANS, bangalore) he sends me back home with the same prescription with out even asking me how I am and what I am doing?  He sees my file reads my name and asks me what medicine I take and i blurt out the pharmaceutical prescription--oleanz 200mg, alprax 50 mg,lithium carbonate 900mg, mirtaz 10 mg and chloropromozine 100 mg.  I really remember them so well. I travelled all the way from Mumbai to bangalore to see the doctor and now I travel from hyderabad to bangalore all alone. People don't understand my fears. I am mentally diseased I feel scared to travel alone my whole body starts shivering at the thought of it. But he doesn't like to co-operate with me. Its like a dead man's burden which I have to carry myself. But slowly I have started breaking these fears and started going alone. What ever comes my way let it come and if I die I will be thankful to God. Therefore the fear vanishes and I travel.

Once a journey from Allahabad to Tezpur via Guwahati

In the hot brooding month of summer, in one of the crowded platforms of Allahabad railway station, six souls eagerly wait, to be transported to a new state, a new place in the northeast, Tezpur, Assam. As there were direct train services to Tezpur, they planed to go via Guwahati. Among the six, the youngest one very happy at the site of crowded scurrying people all around, vendors selling fruits, biscuits, tea and varieties of namkeens.
The coolie’s in red uniform and a metal badge tied on their arm just below their shoulders with numbers inscribed on them, to identify them, and proclaim them as licensed to carry the passengers baggage and huge luggage over their head or by using trolleys to the desired platforms in which they are expecting their train.
People chewing beetle leaf (Banarasi Pan) and spitting the red,copper colour very similar to a rusted iron kind of juicy liquid into the pots filled with sand placed on metallic stool in the platform. Women wearing saris and covering their head with a pallu (the edge of the sari) and men in white dhotis.
The entire family is shifting to Tezpur, as the head of the family who happens to work in the defence as a junior commissioned officer, gets the orders from the high command due to the regimental shift. The entire regiment got shifted in the winter and it was the high time for the families to shift during the summer vacation of their children without disturbing their educational process.
The aura surrounding them getting hot and enveloping them in its heat, its afternoon the heat waves, turning the entire platform into an oven, readily waiting to bake the human souls, rather than their body to frustrations, anger, annoyance and irritation.
The train arrives at three O ‘ clock on the platform empty, as Allahabad is the originating station. Four young souls very happy at the site of their train, excitedly enquire their father ‘ Is this our train?’
Father worried and tensed about the transporting of their luggage and the scooter. The scooter which is sealed and packed resembling an Egyptian mummy, only the wheels and the steering exposed properly, so that it could be pushed and taken to the cargo bogie and labelled with black paint on a coir bori with stencils perfectly cut, ‘A Rajan, Madras sappers, Allahabad to Guwahati, so that it could reach its destination without being lost during its journey from one city to another.
Rajendran makes no reply to his children’s queries. The children with angel eyes look at their mother, she asks them to keep quiet and watch the luggage that was kept in front of them. The eldest son Ramesh accompanies his father to check whether the scooter has occupied its place in the bogie like the passengers in the reserved compartments.
After a while, both father and son rush to the spot where their rest of their family awaits to be escorted into their respective coach. Ramesh with an air bag around his shoulders, Geeta with a 5 litre turquoise blue plastic water cooler, Suguna’s arm being tugged between her mother’s elbow and belly and the little one occupying a very comfortable place in her mother’s hip, move towards the coach S6.
Rajendran is followed by his son Ramesh and Geeta.hurriedly, suddenly by mistake Geeta steps on her fathers foot wear from behind, he turns angrily and asks her to watch her steps, ‘ Either walk in front of me or beside me, stop stepping on my foot.’ Frightened Geeta follows, walks beside her father,
Their mother and the other two children follow them with a lot of struggle, panting and sweating looking exhausted head to toe. The father asks the mother and the two little one to wait in the platform till they return back. Ramesh, Geeta and their father rush to the coach to occupy their places. The father checks their names on the chart pasted near the entrance door of the train and carefully carry their baggage to their seats.
These two children hurriedly searching their names in the list, feel very delighted to see their names on the passenger list chart.Ramesh with full of satan in his eyes quickly boards the train battling through the people on the passage conquers the window seat and declares, ‘ This is my seat’ immediately Geeta who was following Ramesh all the way from the platform declares her possession, ‘ this is mine’.
Rajan leaves them as the custodians of the baggage and tells them to not to move from here until he fetches their mother and their sisters. He rushes to the spot where he had left his wife and 2 daughters, and carries suguna in his arms and enters the coach.
As they enter, the children rush to occupy the window seat, Rajan busy arranging their suite cases and trunks under the lower berth of the sleeper class. Observes Geeta and Suguna having a sort of push of war, (instead of tug of war)using their bottoms to occupy the window seat, Rajan gives a good shouting at Geeta and asks her to leave the seat to Suguna as she was older than her by six years. The little one’s get priority here as usual in a family of four children and 2 adults what else could be expected?
After a while the announcements is made, train number 2506, north-east express, is ready for departure from platform no 9. The announcement repeats several times in a recorded female voice with the same frequency and pitch, the words clearly pronounced for the benefit of the passengers.



Finally the time comes for which the children excitedly wait, the train gets a thrust forwards and leaves the platform gently, softly and slowly gaining speed, momentum and velocity step by step, leaves its origin to reach its destination in the north east.
Geeta looks through the window and sighs deeply, regrets for this evanescent moment in her life. The plenty of friends that she had made in the school, Nutan, Anitha sisodia, mona Pandey, sapna Chaudhury and many more, memories registered in the small compartments of her brain, memories of Allahabad, she very well in her heart knew, she may not be able to see this place again and will never meet her friends for rest of her life. But the autograph book very safely secured and kept in her bag told her that she could meet them as she had taken down their residential addresses and could contact them. She is going to miss all the fun and joy but was very thrilled about the new places and the kind of friends she would make and the teachers she would meet. The bright afternoons shimmering sunrays fall into the compartment obstructed by huge trees.Geeta looks away from the quivering of the sunrays and quietly observes their fellow passengers. Suguna and Ammu very delighted to see the train leave the platform.

Memorable days of childhood

It was a sky blue day in April. The glittering sunshine was at its brightest and exhibited extreme brilliance. This kept people indoors and hindered them from going out of their homes. In spite of this Joon decided to go to the market to buy some provisions. She put on her goggles and took her moneybag and a lethargic walk towards the market which was quiet far. After a quarter of an hour her nose and upper lip was covered with salty perspiration. She wiped it with a thick, small, grassy-green white striped hand towel which she always carried in her moneybag. Unable to take a step further, she decides to rest a while under a shady tree, while she does this, she has a glimpse of the surrounding vegetation and a bushy flowering weed catches her eye, as though it had some magical powers it cast some sort of a spell on her and she was carried back into those unforgettable, most memorable days of childhood. The memories that can never be expurgated from one’s mind.

As a child of seven or eight years, she left the home quietly in the mid-day on every Sundays and joined her friends, who waited at a distant place called jungle, meaning a forest. Truly speaking it wasn’t a forest filled with dangerous wild animals rather a huge plot of land left unattended for ages, had turned immoderately green, with wild creepers and vines snaking up the huge trees and near by bushes and electric poles. This outgrown wild resembled a forest for children and was full of whispers and scurry of small insects having a fanfare. The hum of several bumble bees,croaking of frogs, chirps of birds, grasshoppers and juvenile small lives busy with their days work. The plenitude of wild, colourfully attractive flowering trees and plants drew the attention of brilliantly coloured, beastly, beautiful butterflies as well as these little children, who eagerly wait for the Sundays to come.

Joon with her few friends, Baby, Rajan, Geeta and Maalu surveyed this jungle in search of beautiful butterflies. Baby and Rajan were siblings and so were Geeta and Maalu.Baby and Geeta were several years older than Joon, Maalu and Rajan were of her age. Baby’s real name was Nirmala, everyone called her Baby in spite of being grown up and hugely bulky.

The first thing all the five of them did was to uproot the congress plant( parthenium). Parthenium is a weed, with several bunches of white buds. (This is known to cause asthama and allergy.) Each of us had two to three congress plant and gathered them like a broomstick and set out in the wild to hunt beautiful beasts. Beasts because they captured and captivated these young minds, whenever they looked through the window into the fields, the way they flitter and fly, with their wings as though the nature painted them precisely with a brush and lots of patience. We didn’t know the names of the butterflies, but we had christened them with our own logic. The large one’s with black back ground and pale green dots were called raja and the peach color one’s with black and white dots were called rani and if they were small they were called prince and princess. The which resembled a peacock’s feather was called a ‘maa-yeel’ meaning peacock.

The beautiful beast caught in the mesh of the broom, trying to flitter and flatter, to fly for its life, struggles, the struggle is not as violent as the bees or house flies, since it has large wings the escape is unlikely to occur. Very carefully the butterfly is pulled out of the mesh and put in a plastic container. Rajan was asked to make a pit, nearly 6 to 8 inches in depth and ½ a feet wide and he covered the pit with a polythene sheet and placed the red bricks on three sides and he left the one side open so that we could let the butterflies into the pit. This pit was to be their home for ever. Joon and Maalu went in search of flowers with plenty of nectar, especially the one which took joon to her childhood days. The pit was filled with beautiful flowers and beautiful butterflies.

In this way several of them had to complete their life span and end their life cycle at this very stage. Next day when we came to see them and feed them, we found none of them there. I still wonder where they went and their disappearance is still a mystery for me.

Occasionally when we caught hold of dragonflies, we tied a thread to its tail and allowed it to fly, it really resembled a miniature helicopter for us and we preferred calling it so, only when I started taking interest in science I learned its name as dragonfly. May be the helicopters were designed after looking at them.

A crowded city bus passes by and the horn startles Joon and she is back from her childhood into her adulthood. She sighs! And laughs at herself and thinks.

What crazy and funny things she has done as a child? She looks at some butterflies which flit and fly by her.

Into my world

Welcome to my world, the world in which I dream and cherish, I bloom,I grow every single day, every minute, every second inch by inch in search of life’s final destination. This is the place where I think of myself, where only the third vowel ‘I’ lives, an egotistic, self-contained vowel. Other than being a full time mother, wife, friend, companion and home maker, being so engrossed and involved with duties and responsibilities, this is the only place where the big I exists. Most of the time, could never think of I. This day I open a window into this world of mine where I want to exists, rather than getting lost in the crowd.