My life is in bits and patches henceforth my blog is also not in a sequence I hope I find time to rearrange these bits and patches and make it look meaningful to everyone around me. Its like arranging the puzzle piece by piece slowly till it takes some shape and form and to bring back the meaning in it. Its vacation which I am suppose to be happy and enjoy( Diwali). The aura in the house doesn't seem to be in the favour of happiness and celebration of festivity. Something is wrong with me or some thing is wrong with him God knows or may be these are the struggles we are making to end the relationship which is very prominently visible to us and to my kids( Shubham and Anand).
I really don't know what to say, but there are so many things to say God alone knows how I will find words rather right kind of words to express my true feeling. I want to be sincere about it or I may be biased as I think from my point of view and stick to it and I blind fold myself when I have to see other person's point of view. I have never nurtured good qualities in me or people around me failed to do so. It is affecting my life now as I come across people see them being appreciated for their good qualities and their talents. I feel very envious. I don't have these so called highly wanted and appreciated qualities. I just wanted to live with my disease and want it to take me to my grave.
All my senses tell me I am not in my right form or my right kind of birth. I should have been born as a dog or some other insignificant animal with less or a minimum life span.\I can't understand what is going to become of me in another 5 years time. I am still clinging on to his flesh like a leech sucking his RBC. This is what he says everyday. There is no such thing called AIM in life or ambition in life. If God offers me a boon and asks me what I want my immediate reply would be to end my life. There is no positivism in life for me. I just pass my time. A new day begins and ends and another one starts with out creating any great impact in my life. Time passes away as if I am holding to a handful of sand which slips away or escapes away from my hand and hardly I am aware of it.
I live in my fantasy world. A world which I have created and I am the soul ruler of it. I control it and I am equivalent to God as I create the characters and they play the role as I want them to play. Every day there is something new interesting, exciting and something to look forward to. Is this a part of my disease I can't understand. I am a mental patient. Suffering from Bipolar affective disorder for the past 7 years. I am on treatment. I am neither happy myself nor I give happiness to people around me. I can't understand why????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Each time I go to the doctor(NIMHANS, bangalore) he sends me back home with the same prescription with out even asking me how I am and what I am doing? He sees my file reads my name and asks me what medicine I take and i blurt out the pharmaceutical prescription--oleanz 200mg, alprax 50 mg,lithium carbonate 900mg, mirtaz 10 mg and chloropromozine 100 mg. I really remember them so well. I travelled all the way from Mumbai to bangalore to see the doctor and now I travel from hyderabad to bangalore all alone. People don't understand my fears. I am mentally diseased I feel scared to travel alone my whole body starts shivering at the thought of it. But he doesn't like to co-operate with me. Its like a dead man's burden which I have to carry myself. But slowly I have started breaking these fears and started going alone. What ever comes my way let it come and if I die I will be thankful to God. Therefore the fear vanishes and I travel.
I really don't know what to say, but there are so many things to say God alone knows how I will find words rather right kind of words to express my true feeling. I want to be sincere about it or I may be biased as I think from my point of view and stick to it and I blind fold myself when I have to see other person's point of view. I have never nurtured good qualities in me or people around me failed to do so. It is affecting my life now as I come across people see them being appreciated for their good qualities and their talents. I feel very envious. I don't have these so called highly wanted and appreciated qualities. I just wanted to live with my disease and want it to take me to my grave.
All my senses tell me I am not in my right form or my right kind of birth. I should have been born as a dog or some other insignificant animal with less or a minimum life span.\I can't understand what is going to become of me in another 5 years time. I am still clinging on to his flesh like a leech sucking his RBC. This is what he says everyday. There is no such thing called AIM in life or ambition in life. If God offers me a boon and asks me what I want my immediate reply would be to end my life. There is no positivism in life for me. I just pass my time. A new day begins and ends and another one starts with out creating any great impact in my life. Time passes away as if I am holding to a handful of sand which slips away or escapes away from my hand and hardly I am aware of it.
I live in my fantasy world. A world which I have created and I am the soul ruler of it. I control it and I am equivalent to God as I create the characters and they play the role as I want them to play. Every day there is something new interesting, exciting and something to look forward to. Is this a part of my disease I can't understand. I am a mental patient. Suffering from Bipolar affective disorder for the past 7 years. I am on treatment. I am neither happy myself nor I give happiness to people around me. I can't understand why????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Each time I go to the doctor(NIMHANS, bangalore) he sends me back home with the same prescription with out even asking me how I am and what I am doing? He sees my file reads my name and asks me what medicine I take and i blurt out the pharmaceutical prescription--oleanz 200mg, alprax 50 mg,lithium carbonate 900mg, mirtaz 10 mg and chloropromozine 100 mg. I really remember them so well. I travelled all the way from Mumbai to bangalore to see the doctor and now I travel from hyderabad to bangalore all alone. People don't understand my fears. I am mentally diseased I feel scared to travel alone my whole body starts shivering at the thought of it. But he doesn't like to co-operate with me. Its like a dead man's burden which I have to carry myself. But slowly I have started breaking these fears and started going alone. What ever comes my way let it come and if I die I will be thankful to God. Therefore the fear vanishes and I travel.
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